The Birds
Over Wall Street
Copyright © 2013
by Dereck Jerome Cram
Slug’s Bottom Press
Kewadin, Michigan 49648
All rights reserved.
THE
BIRDS OVER WALL STREET
by Zech Adam Adams
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
THOMAS AQUARIUS, a theologian
MRS. AQUARIUS, a theologian’s wife
DAGNY, a businesswoman
LELAND, a businessman
CORNELIUS, a businessman
WANDERING ACTOR, a discontented feminist
HEAD PEON, a minstrel
BAND OF PEONS
ULYSSES ABRAHAM, a senator
HILLARY WILLIAMS, a senator
HARRY FRANKLIN, the Vice President
RICHARD GEORGE X, the President
NIGHT-HERON
THE NUTHATCHES
FLOCK OF BIRDS
PARROT
PIGEONS
BELTED
KINGFISHER
CARDINAL
GUARDS
PHERENIKE, a bird-woman
ACT
1
A
Small Isolated Yard in Manhattan ’s Morningside Heights
SCENE: A cultivated, urban neighborhood within the sights and sounds of a
dense city dominated by cathedrals; seeming out of place amidst the neighboring
gothic spires and brick and mortar high-rise apartments, a rock fence encloses
the yard of a church-like house. A flock
of birds soars overhead.
THOMAS AQUARIUS and his wife, MRS. AQUARIUS, stand
in the yard.
THOMAS AQUARIUS. I must confess: When I look to the sky, I have a nagging
suspicion that our prayers are not being answered. What could be the cause? Do you think the birds are at fault?
MRS. AQUARIUS. Whatever do you mean,
Thomas? What could the birds do?
THOMAS AQUARIUS. I’ve heard mention
of a place in the clouds, a town full of birds.
Perhaps they’re up to something.
MRS. AQUARIUS. That’s just foolhardy
myth! Don’t tell me you believe in such
things? Oh, but of course you would!
THOMAS AQUARIUS. My faith knows no
bounds.
MRS. AQUARIUS. Is that so? This is our yard, Master Thomas, and you
haven’t stepped foot from it in months!
THOMAS AQUARIUS. And?
Yes, that’s true, but…
MRS. AQUARIUS. You know very well
that our boundaries are obscurely defined by The Bible.
THOMAS AQUARIUS. That is open to
interpretation, dearest…
MRS. AQUARIUS. And yet if that wall
were as the cover of this Good Book, then you, Thomas, are as a bookmark stuck
in Saint Luke!
THOMAS AQUARIUS. …each day…That is…
I… am a theologian, and theologians are philosophy incarnate. We remain free to evolve through supernatural
grace bestowed from heaven. We are above
being fenced in by earthly matters.
MRS. AQUARIUS. So you’ve traveled in mind, at least. Although, I cannot tell a lie: It leaves me unsatisfied.
THOMAS AQUARIUS. It’s hard on you, Sophia, I know. And what you say is otherwise true; No such
place was mentioned in the Good Book.
It’s been kept out, just like the Witch of Endor who nevertheless
manages to materialize in my dreams—where she suffers nightly by being burned
alive with help from this mighty congregation.
Nonetheless, I should like to consult our political leaders on the
matter.
MRS AQUARIUS. That might not be the
wisest thing. Let us go inside first and
discuss this more safely. You may have
caught something already. Here, come,
let me check your head for a fever.
(MRS. AQUARIUS applies her hand to her husband’s prominent forehead.)
THOMAS AQUARIUS. And?
MRS AQUARIUS. Nothing unusual. How frightening! Very well, then; write your letter and I’ll
see that it gets mailed. Only, remember
what happened the last time you mixed business with politics. Putting millions of souls in the hands of
those devils? Look what they’ve done to
public education! I just hope it is The
Lord who’s looking out for us, and not some jester with a red hand.
THOMAS AQUARIUS. (Looking skyward for birds) Let us
hope. Come then, to bed.
Curtain
closes and reopens.
SCENE: Later
that evening as the sun sets into night, the very same yard.
Enter three prominent businesspeople,
DAGNY, LELAND, and CORNELIUS, who stroll into the yard beneath the Evening
Star, a night covered in smog, and head to the door of the house. The doorbell rings, sounding like church
bells.
MRS. AQUARIUS answers cautiously.
The sound of snoring can be heard within the
house.
DAGNY. Pardon
the intrusion, scholarly folk, but we understand you’ve expressed a desire to
explore the land of birds?
LELAND. These
devious politicians of ours do say as much.
Is it true?
MRS.
AQUARIUS. Who’s doing the asking? Our doors are open to everyone, but we
approach the Devil’s Hour…
DAGNY, LELAND,
CORNELIUS. Wall Street.
DAGNY. That is, we’re businesspeople representative
as such.
MRS.
AQUARIUS. He’s sending his minions
door-to-door, I see. We’d better step up
our efforts.
CORNELIUS. You should.
MRS.
AQUARIUS. Might I ask a question?
DAGNY. Shoot.
MRS.
AQUARIUS. I talk to those outside the
congregation sometimes. They say that
stuff isn’t working, that millions of good people are falling through the
cracks, and that Wall Street doesn’t give a hoot. Is that true?
DAGNY. Well, yes, that’s certainly true, but it’s
rather a constant, I’m afraid…
CORNELIUS. (cutting in boisterously) Not
working?! Ha! That’s nonsense! Take me, for instance: my Hedge Fund portfolio is doing rather well;
I just purchased a chain of islands large enough to hide over two dozen
mistresses; it’s raining failure, I tell you!
Boy, what a beautiful sight! Does
wonders for my circulation…
LELAND. (unconvincingly) Any hale and hearty
American could accomplish the same; all they need do is go out and work for it!
MRS.
AQUARIUS. Enjoy it while you can,
because the Lake
of Fire
DAGNY. About the land of birds, ma’am, if you’ll
still permit me to inquire?
MRS. AQUARIUS.
Just a moment, please. The master is at
hourly prayer. Allow me to fetch him.
LELAND. So
that’s what I’ve been hearing. Does he
always pray in his sleep?
MRS. AQUARIUS.
He rises at four, prays until the sun comes up, reads Aristotle while I fix his
breakfast, then he cries, prays some more, quotes Bible scriptures, eats his
supper at the table, and then falls asleep until four the next morning.
CORNELIUS. Too
bad he doesn’t have more scrupulous pursuits; he’d be a wealthy man with that
kind of discipline.
MRS.
AQUARIUS. He is wealthy in spirit (MRS.
AQUARIUS turns and genuflects towards a
wooden cross on the wall and turns back towards the guests). Here, I’ll wake him.
Exit MRS. AQUARIUS into the house.
Enter MRS. AQUARIUS with THOMAS AQUARIUS
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. (Yawns) What’s this
then? We’re not really a church, just so
you know. The missus has a thing for
ship-innards, high steeples, wooden crosses, and stained glass with a focus on
religious situations. It’s no accident,
I suppose, that her taste agrees with my profession. We’ve been making chamber music ever since.
DAGNY. Oh?
And are there any additions?
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Dear me! Are you moving in?
MRS.
AQUARIUS. (Placing herself between the speakers with arms outstretched) The
world’s orphans fill that role, and the occasional stray cat. We like to keep things rational.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Abstinence is the key. We don’t want to end up like those Houston televangelists.
LELAND. That’s a pleasant thought. (To
DAGNY) Better tell him why we’re here so he knows whose horns we wear.
DAGNY. Wall
Street, sir. Our prayers aren’t being
answered. The government says you intend
to do something about it.
CORNELIUS. They have implored us to offer our corporeal
support in the matter.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. You may leave your donations with the poor. I’ve all the material possessions I need.
DAGNY. Actually, we would very much like to tag
along, if it isn’t too much trouble.
And, not to worry, learned thralls (laughs
conceitedly)! We pull our own
weight.
MRS.
AQUARIUS. As always. No doubt, that’s what all your valets are
for, and those chauffeurs standing around out there in the street near your
trendy limousines.
LELAND. Oh, those men? No.
They’re tax collectors. That’s a
second reason why we wish to join you, I must confess. Things are getting out of hand around
here. Subjective value has a way of
suddenly decreasing in the hands of those Federal Reserve people.
CORNELIUS. What the bankers can’t steal, they rob.
DAGNY. It takes one to know one. A little vacation would do us good. We’ve had to cut back on labor somewhat-
LELAND. Tens of thousands, no less…
CORNELIUS.
Despite heavy losses from our projected revenue this quarter…
LELAND. That is to say, the shortcomings of greedy
expectations, which were predictably less than we had hoped for…
DAGNY. The annual bonuses came through, but an
unruly mob formed a sloth-camp outside the door at the office.
LELAND. A pleasant bunch, that—what with the guitars
and singing and all…
DAGNY. They’re very entertaining, but haven’t put
much effort into the workforce; a true laborer would have the life drained out
of them by that age.
LELAND. Lucky
for them there isn’t one.
CORNELIUS. (To Leland) Quiet, you evil
revisionist! (To Thomas Aquarius) So, your highness, what about it?
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. You’re more than welcome, of course.
Trust yourself to God and everything will work out.
LELAND. Tell us, then, oh wise one, what are we to
do?
THOMAS AQUARIUS.
Meet us anon upon Mount Marcy in the Adirondack . Travel light.
Bring only what you’d need for a few days’ travels.
DAGNY. Anon.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. That’s right, anon. Don’t be
late.
DAGNY. Anon is
such a specific reference, as is atop Mount Marcy
LELAND. Ah, um.
That’s an excellent point, Dagny.
Mister Aquarius, Missus Aquarius, could you perhaps…be more specific…as
to time and place…just to…avoid any…complications?
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Yes, of course! I do apologize.
MRS. AQUARIUS.
(Laughs) His great mind is so absent
at times.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Anon, or a quarter to, if
that’s helpful. Atop Mount Marcy
LELAND. Anon.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Or a quarter to.
DAGNY. Yes, very well. We shall meet you anon.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Anon, it is, then.
ACT 2
The Adirondack
Mountains
SCENE: A mixed
evergreen and hardwood forest on the green slopes of the Adirondack Mountains;
white clouds float through the peaks, obscuring the heavens; birds,
white-tailed deer, and black bear roam amongst the trees.
Enter four politicians: ULYSSES ABRAHAM is holding an owl; HILLARY WILLIAMS is holding a jay; HARRY FRANKLIN is holding a deep-fried turkey; RICHARD GEORGE X is holding a bald eagle; these are the
guides that are to lead them to the kingdom of the birds. FOUR SECURITY GUARDS surround the president, RICHARD GEORGE X.
ULYSSES ABRAHAM
(To his owl). Are you sure this is
the way?
HILLARY
WILLIAMS (To her jay). Now’s your
chance to shine, jay. Be a good little
ambassador and show mommy where to go.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. My owl won’t answer a single question except to repeatedly ask
who. Are we to wait here, or shall we
continue without them?
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. The wise choice would be to wait for the others. (Whispering to ULYSSES ABRAHAM) But you know whom we’re dealing with!
RICHARD GEORGE
X. My bird insists upon climbing a little higher, and he’s ripping the flesh
from my only good arm with those razor sharp talons of his! I don’t know how much more liberty I can
take!
FOUR SECURITY
GUARDS. Just give the order, Mister
President, and we’ll shoot it down for you!
RICHARD GEORGE
X. No, no! What are you saying?! That’s illegal!
HARRY FRANKLIN.
Hmm? What? Did-did someone say something? I think I fell asleep again. It’s the damnedest thing.
HARRY FRANKLIN yawns.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. (Smelling the aromatic air) I
thought we told you to bring a living
turkey.
HARRY FRANKLIN.
Indeed. Well, but I got hungry! I had my cook stick it in the deep-fryer last
night.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. No wonder this eagle’s been tearing into me.
Throw me some breast meat, will you?
(HARRY FRANKLIN
searches the turkey carcass and tears off
a chunk of meat; he approaches RICHARD GEORGE X’s bald eagle, which is resting on the president’s good arm, with trepidation and squeamishly throws the
meat at it, then scurries away to some bushes near a thicket of trees.
The bald eagle lunges and snatches the meat
before it falls to the ground, ripping into it with sharp beak and talons.
)
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. So, tell me, featherless leader, what are we doing here again?
RICHARD GEORGE
X. We received a letter at the White House.
Naturally, we took it very seriously.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. You mean someone wrote it in ink, with their hands? I didn’t know people still wrote
letters.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Tell me about it. Squawking is all the
rage (holds out his smartphone and slowly
shakes it). That’s how I let my
security team know where I am most of the time.
I even get an elevation report on this thing. Right now we’re at four-thousand-and-thirty-seven
feet. There’s still over a thousand feet
of mountain left—isn’t that comforting?
Harry here keyed me in to that little ditty of an app.
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. About that, sir. Is it
safe? I mean, should the entire world
really know that you just checked in to Camp David ,
or the Pizza Corral, or that you decided to stop for a beer at the local
pub? And that tweet about the Supreme
Leader of Iran looking ridiculous in his country’s football team’s shorts…
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. And the letter, Mr. President?
RICHARD GEORGE
X. From our top theologian, Thomas
Aquarius. He has information that birds
have been blocking prayers from reaching Heaven. Wall Street has been complaining about this
very thing for months—it couldn’t be coincidence.
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. If only the worms were blocking curses from reaching Hell.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. They won’t stop texting me about
it. It’s so annoying. They’ve threatened to stop paying us. I assured Aquarius that we’d get right on
it. Our advisory board hooked us up with
these birds, and here we are.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. Are we hoping to arrange some sort of deal with these birds—the ones
blocking prayers, I mean?
HARRY FRANKLIN.
Something like that. As long as we appear to be doing our jobs, the people
will remain hospitable. I’ve been doing
that for years and it’s been working out just great…
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. Not good enough. Not this time. Something tangible must be done. The people are in real trouble! We must work towards a solution!
HARRY FRANKLIN.
Don’t be such an idealist. Here, take
this breast—or would you prefer a thigh…
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. If the birds really do control the passage of prayers between heaven
and earth it would be very advantageous for us to get involved. Imagine the power we would wield over the
planet! No one on earth would dare
oppose us then—at least not the ones who pray.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. I don’t understand any of this. What do the birds want from us? What can we offer them, for that matter?
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. Do you even have to ask? Not
to be deep fried, for starters.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. That’s what the populace is for. They
do all the work, Wall Street pretends to invest capital in products made on
their broken backs, and we pretend to control the flow of money through our
banks’ interest rates. Pleasing the
birds should be easy, what with our extensive experience with birdfeeders and
all. I’m sure they’ll settle for a few
million pounds of sunflower seeds. If
not, we have plenty more to offer.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. (Listening to his owl)
What’s that you say?
(Speaking to his colleagues) Fellow
scriveners, legatees, scoundrels, all!
Something approaches!
HARRY FRANKLIN dives into the bushes; ULYSSES ABRAHAM,
HILLARY WILIAMS, and RICHARD GEORGE X
hide behind trees. FOUR SECURITY GUARDS hold stance around the
president’s tree.
Enter THOMAS and MRS. AQUARIUS with two
doves.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. What’s that shaking in the bushes?
Is it a bear?
MRS. AQUARIUS. Oh, I hope not! I didn’t think to pray against a thing like
that!
HARRY FRANKLIN.
(From the bushes) Don’t shoot! It’s me, your vice president!
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Many apologies! From our vantage, you have a beastly
appearance.
HARRY FRANKLIN.
(From the bushes) A strength rather
than a weakness. Anyway, I’ve been
called far worse.
MRS.
AQUARIUS. Then, what was that growling?
HARRY
FRANKLIN. My stomach. The bile is to blame.
HARRY FRANKLIN rises from the bushes and glances about. FOUR SECURITY GUARDS relax. ULYSSES ABRAHAM,
HILLARY WILIAMS, and RICHARD GEORGE X
reveal themselves, overjoyed to have
found their guides.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. We have found you at
last! Sorry to have kept you waiting,
senators.
MRS. AQUARIUS.
(Curtsying) And you, Mr. President
and vice bear.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. My studies held us up: We are
preparing a sermon on breath and psyche to be presented to the birds of Cloud
Cuckoo Metropolis. We’re hoping to
establish a mission there in the name of OUR SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Any sign of those Wall Street
tycoons?
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. They were to meet us anon and
it appears they’re late.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Anon, we have seen nothing save a few deer and a bear.
THOMAS AQUARIUS.
Then let us be off, I’m afraid. We
mustn’t delay. The sun sets at the peak
of the mountain through the clouds.
These doves will show us the way.
Exit THOMAS AQUARIUS, MRS. AQUARIUS,
HARRY FRANKLIN, ULYSSES ABRAHAM,
HILLARY WILIAMS, RICHARD GEORGE X, and
FOUR SECURITY GUARDS.
Enter WANDERING ACTOR, HEAD PEON and BAND OF PEONS, walking out onto a rocky bluff overlooking the audience. WANDERING ACTOR is wearing a dirty evening gown; HEAD PEON holds a stick and is dressed in ripped conductor’s clothes; BAND OF PEONS is wearing shirts with blue
collars and carrying various band instruments.
WANDERING
ACTOR. (Looking out over the audience and
pointing with HEAD PEON’S stick)
Look toward yonder peak, we’ve discovered a cesspool of eyes. Have they no manners?
HEAD PEON. The
media has made voyeurs of us all. Pray
for privacy.
WANDERING
ACTOR. Then we must keep these folks entertained; nothing lost is nothing
gained.
HEAD PEON. Have at it; you first!
WANDERING
ACTOR. I will! Only… I require a proper stage! Something private, a camp with a raging fire,
at least…
HEAD PEON. That spot down there will do; that clearing
before the ogling cesspool; by my authority as Head Peon I declare that…a camp!
BAND OF
PEONS. Hurray!! Hurray!!
BAND OF PEONS runs down the rocky bluff, gathers at the
designated spot for the camp, and cheers with glee. HEAD PEON follows,
but trips as he tries to give orders and falls behind the bluff with a cry of
alarm. HEAD PEON crawls painfully around the front of the
bluff and arrives at camp.
HEAD PEON. (Looking up toward the bluff at WANDERING
ACTOR) Well, are you going to perform, or do you intend to commit suicide!
BAND OF PEONS laughs.
WANDERING
ACTOR. Seeing as it was how you managed
to fall so softly, I fear my best option is to perform.
HEAD PEON. Well, then…
WANDERING
ACTOR. (Long-windedly clears throat from
atop the bluff) I call this My
Richard II Parody:
This royal pain in things,
this trashed wreck,
This exploited pittance,
this seat of Gas,
This other Hell, idiots’
paradise,
This mixed foundation of
spirited pride
Where folks overcome and
huge dreams are made,
This wistful bowl built by
immigrant hands,
So useless against risky
contraband,
This diverted breed, this
isolate world,
A ship so loath to cross
the stinking sea,
To the disgruntlement of
other realms,
This dirt, this two-spine
brute, this America !
HEAD PEON and
CHORUS OF PEONS applaud.
Satisfied, the WANDERING ACTOR descends to stage.
WANDERING
ACTOR. And now it’s your turn; dare to
match my wit?
HEAD PEON stands in front of the BAND OF PEONS and begins to conduct. The band plays and sings.
BAND OF PEONS:
Oh! The famous Thomas Aquarius
Was a right-winged
derrièrious.
He was alight with
Roman candles,
Reading Aristotle
from his bed,
Chasing Greek
monsters in his sleep,
But no one
understood what he said.
Smothered in kisses
conjured while snoozing
He murmured how
something needed burning,
And although armed
with sharp, thorny brambles
He burned his
witches with Roman candles.
It seemed a right
proper action at first
In a Puritanical
dream obscure,
Yet when the missus
asked if it was hot
He unconsciously
rolled and said, “Well, sure…”
Around the bonfire,
things were going well,
The evil beautes on
their highway to Hell,
And then Thom was
falling into the flames,
Bewitched by lovely,
incombustible dames.
As their dresses
smoldered, so his desires,
And he screamed
aloud how Satan conspired.
It was then that
Mrs. woke him and said
“You’ve made a fire
on the sheets of the bed!!”
Ah ha ha ha ha ha
ha!
Enter THOMAS AQUARIUS, rushing onstage.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. That’s a foul verse!!
WANDERING
ACTOR. Away with you, pious hero! This is your cue to get off the stage!
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. If I must!
BAND OF
PEONS. You will!!
BAND OF PEONS chases THOMAS AQUARIUS offstage.
BAND OF PEONS.
Oh! The famous Thomas Aquarius
Was a
right-winged derrièrious.
He spent so
much time playing marbles
Against
Aristotle in his head,
Swallowing bags
of them in his sleep,
That no one
understood what he said…
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. (Loudly, from offstage)
That’s not true!!
BAND OF
PEONS. Ooooooh…
HEAD PEON. (Stops the chorus abruptly by the erratic
waving of his hands) Well, wandering
actor, band of merry blue-collar workers, it’s getting late. Don’t know about you, but I’ve been up since
five o’clock this morning. What say we
build a fire and continue this lampoon tomorrow, aye?
WANDERING
ACTOR. Party pooper…to the next light,
then…
WANDERING ACTOR
wanders off and exits behind the set.
BAND OF PEONS mumbles as they set up tents and break off
to search for firewood. They come back
and build a fire as the stage lights fade.
Noises of the forested mountain at night startle them. They huddle closer to the fire and become
afraid. A phantom light comes their way
through the trees and then disappears.
The firelight fades and smolders.
Curtain closes to darkness.
Loud roaring from a bear breaks the night,
followed by screams of the many and then the death throes of one as HEAD PEON
is attacked by the bear.
ACT 3
Realm of the Night Heron
SCENE: A wild,
desolate tract of open country in the mist; broken rocks and brushwood occupy
the center of the stage. Marshland surrounds.
The sunlight grows dim. A lone
NIGHT HERON hunts for food. The NIGHT
HERON wears a yellow crown.
Enter NIGHT HERON, stage left, fishing in the
marsh just off from the road.
NIGHT HERON. Kwawk!
Kwawk!
Enter Three Businesspeople, DAGNY, LELAND,
and CORNELIUS, who crouch fearfully (from stage right) along a rough pebble road as
they make their way through the marshland (to center stage).
LELAND. I dare say I wish we had been on time! This darkness gives me the creeps…
NIGHT HERON. Kwawk!
Kwawk!
DAGNY (Hugging LELAND tightly). Save me!
CORNELIUS. (Dives behind a rock) Mommy!!
LELAND. We’re
in the land of birds now. No telling
what we’ll run into. Better dispatch
that army of yours.
CORNELIUS. (Cautiously reappears) Alas, they’re
busy!
LELAND. Send in
the tax collectors, then!
CORNELIUS. (Laughing as he rejoins the others) I
only wish they had followed us. They’re
afraid of birds.
DAGNY. (Flattening the wrinkles in her suit with her
hands) I’ve always wondered why our farmers make use of so many
scarecrows. They must’ve found a
loophole.
NIGHT HERON moves to center stage, hidden in the marsh.
NIGHT HERON.
(Extremely close to party) Kwawk!
Kwawk!
CORNELIUS dives back behind the rock.
LELAND. (Hugs
DAGNY) What the devil is that?!
DAGNY. (Frightened and holding a can of mace)
Reveal yourselves!
NIGHT HERON. (Appears from the marsh) Kwawk! Who goes there?! You have nothing to fear from me, unless you
happen to be fish!
CORNELIUS (Hesitantly rising from behind a rock). Alas, we’re not fish. Common mistake, though, I must admit! We’re merchants. Who the devil are you?!
NIGHT HERON.
A night heron. I rule the tidal
marshes when darkness falls. Kwawk! Kwawk!
LELAND.
A pleasure. Say, old chap, is
there a town nearby? We’re a little new
to the area and-
DAGNY. It would
be in your best interest to see us unharmed, sir! We intend to do business.
NIGHT HERON. We have no desire for business…
Although… I can’t kwawk for everyone… The crows might be interested, come to
think of it…
LELAND.
Yes, about that—this kwawking.
How is it that we can understand each other? I thought we needed special rings or
something.
NIGHT HERON.
Ka ka ka! No, that’s just stupid.
LELAND.
Then it’s a good thing I was outbid on those Rings of Speech to
Understand the Birds on the internet last night. I would have been out a million bucks…
CORNELIUS.
Blast!!
DAGNY.
Stay on topic, please. Mister
Night Heron, sir, about that city of birds…
NIGHT HERON.
Of course! See that path
there? That’s the Road of Oh Dear! Follow that to Cloud Cuckoo
Metropolis. Kwawk!
CORNELIUS. The Road of Oh Dear (!), you say? Is it dangerous?
NIGHT
HERON. Well, they don’t call it Oh Dear
(!) for nothing!
DAGNY. Thanks, bird.
You’ve been surprisingly helpful.
ACT 4
Cloud Cuckoo Metropolis
SCENE: A city
of human-sized birdhouses and straw nests hanging from gigantic trees. An ornate birdbath fountain sits at a central
square.
The stage rotates to display Cloud Cuckoo
Metropolis and stops at the birdhouses.
Enter THE NUTHATCHES climbing around in front of their house,
which is inside of the hollow of a tree.
THE NUTHATCHES.
(To the audience) Hey, get off of our
lawn! What gives you the right to be
here?! Find your own dang tree, if you
would, please!
The stage rotates.
Enter DAGNY, LELAND, CORNELIUS, a PARROT, PIGEONS and A FLOCK OF BIRDS
LELAND. That was a short, effortless trip. Why, I hardly moved at all.
DAGNY. The audience probably didn’t even
notice. Look how stupid they seem.
CORNELIUS. You could sell them a bottle of tar and they
wouldn’t complain. No doubt it’s our own
fault. And look there! A flock approaches, and they seem angry!
Enter FLOCK OF BIRDS clucking around angrily, followed by curious
PIGEONS.
FLOCK OF BIRDS.
More intruders! Who dares invade our
beloved metropolis?! Why can’t you just
leave us alone?!
LELAND. (Hugging DAGNY) We’re done for!
DAGNY. Do your worst, birds!
CORNELIUS (Holding out a bag of seeds). But first, why not try some of our delicious
homemade sunflower seeds, fresh from the garden. Only two percent fat and no cholesterol!
PARROT. Do your
worst! Rot! No cholesterol!
FLOCK OF BIRDS.
Seeds from the sun? We wouldn’t know
where to begin, so long in the clouds have we flown, it’s a peep-dang-sin. Send them our way, then.
(Taking the seeds from CORNELIUS and eating a beak-full)
Hey, not
bad!
PARROT (To PIGEONS). Rot!
Send word to the BELTED KINGFISHER at the Council of Elders that three
more of those hypocritical-human-poop-targets have turned up and that they
bring seeds from the sun!
PIGEONS fly off.
Enter BELTED KINGFISHER with the returned PIGEONS and two CARDINAL GUARDS.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. What is it, now? We were
about to go water boarding.
FLOCK OF BIRDS.
Intruders, Elder Kingfisher. They come
bearing gifts. Here, try some of these
seeds.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. No thanks. I’m strictly a fishing bird.
FLOCK OF
BIRDS. They’re very good.
CORNELIUS. If you’ll allow me, Elder Kingfisher, sir, to
speak. We would like to arrange a
trade: Seeds, fish, whatever you want,
in exchange for a degree of control over the flow of prayers.
FLOCK OF BIRDS.
The what?
CORNELIUS. The
flow of prayers, sir. Your motives are
your own and I’ll not pry into them, but why not capitalize on this piracy to
the utmost? I, Cornelius, am at your
service!
CORNELIUS bows.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Wait. I think I’m beginning
to understand. You’re with those other
featherless twits, is that it? The ducks
insisted on torturing them—something our spies picked up down in the wilds from
some kind of neon boar calling himself Dick Cheney—and before we could even
find some cheesecloth, the cranes and flamingoes had uncovered some crack
theory from them about how we were keeping prayers from reaching Heaven,
apparently in an effort to blackmail a fellow named God. No telling why they think we would do that,
but they say they came here to stop us.
LELAND. We must
confess, that is the brunt of it. Why
not take advantage of this rare opportunity and trade with us? Such a contract
of congeniality would prove beneficial to us both.
DAGNY. Besides, we’ve come too far to go back
empty-handed.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. What makes you think we
would even accept what you have to offer?
We came here to get away from humanity. All we want is to be left alone.
CORNELIUS. Yet I see that you’ve borrowed extensively
from our bird house designs for your surprisingly ornate
architecture—surprising I mean because you don’t seem to have the proper
aptitude for it.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. That’s a rather racist thing
to say. Bird’s aren’t helpless, you know. You should see what the crows can do with a
pile of coat hangers. The entire
crow-inspired district is wonderful to lay eyes upon, despite having been
constructed solely from human garbage.
Anywhere in this entire city, you will be proven wrong, sir! Take a gander! I insist!
CORNELIUS. I have no intention of being stabbed,
Kingfisher!
BELTED
KINGFISHER. (Continuing) Bird Seed Market sits upon a cherry tree mosaic made
from pebbles collected from all over the world; the market pedestals often employ
discarded match sticks, plastic food containers, and straw; The Grackle, our
high-wire social club, stretches for miles with indoor gatherings fashioned out
of pop-can-holders, wires, and colored glass from broken bottles; even here at
our center, Sky Cathedral rises from the remnants of an old dead tree, with
hollowed, orotund instruments attached to the high steeples like an angelic
choir, awesome to hear during wind storms.
If we decide not to peck your eyes out, you should go and see these
marvels.
DAGNY. If you’ll just let us explain, your highness,
I’m sure we can come to an agreeable arrangement.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. What do you think fellow
birds; grebes, swifts, cranes, owls, trogons, woodpeckers, jays, cardinals,
all? Is it worth listening any further
to their discordant chatter?
FLOCK OF
BIRDS. Perhaps this one time…we should
hear all of them at once and decide what action to take.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Very well. Release the
hypocritical-human-poop-targets! Let’s
hear what they have to say to the birds of Cloud-cuckoo-metropolis.
Enter THOMAS AQUARIUS, MRS. AQUARIUS,
ULYSSES ABRAHAM, HILLARY WILLIAMS, FOUR SECURITY GUARDS and RICHARD GEORGE X in bird cages.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Um, tell me, Kingfisher, where is my vice president, Harry Franklin?
BELTED
KINGFISHER. We had him deep-fried. The vultures are on their way from Falconia
to receive him as a peace offering.
We’ve been at war far too long.
FOUR SECURITY
GUARDS. Ha ha aha ha! Oops…
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Well, at least he’s done some good
for once. His own mother would be proud,
God rest her tormented soul.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. And now there are rumors the
falcons have succeeded in harnessing the power of ball lightning and are
developing weapons of ornithic destruction.
They’re on edge over poisoned mice from distant fields. Many have dropped dead, thus fulfilling an
obscene prophecy of ours. The owls
advise us to fly lightly.
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. And what has happened to our birds?
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Your birds? They left of their own volition, back home to
rejoin their flocks—except for that poor turkey, of course.
ULYSSES ABRAHAM. What about us? Just what are your intentions? May I be the first to tell you, winged horde,
that we have the finest air force in the world?
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. And nukes! We’re not afraid to use them!
BELTED
KINGFISHER. On that note, stay away from
that one there. She has a bad case of
ornithosis and it’s very contagious. A
nasty virus, that one!
CORNELIUS. Ah, how interesting! Tell me more!
Can you put it into bottles?
RICHARD GEORGE
X. This is neither the time nor the
place, Cornelius. I should have you
tried before the senate for even suggesting such a thing!
CORNELIUS. Me?
Just who do you think you are?
Don’t forget what it took to get you into such a fine position! A lot of money, that’s what! None of you complained about our products
when you had stock in them! You even
went to war for us!
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Fat load of good that did! Young lives lost; Democracy battered; the
rich have misplaced their money in offshore accounts; jobs are few and
fleeting. Nearly all classes have taken
a blow, their illusions forfeit. Even as
I speak, the entertainer-lords weep over the loss of their seventh or eighth
home. Tomorrow it may be the sixth. Then the fifth. They may be down to two fairly large mansions
before all is said and done, which would be a national tragedy!
CORNELIUS. I
believe we agreed on letting you keep ten percent of the profits. Do you want to keep your ten percent or not?
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Keep your ten percent! I don’t have the numbers to run for
re-election! Not after this
fiasco!!
CORNELIUS. No matter.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. Wait a minute! Just what are you referring to?!
CORNELIUS. Nothing.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Nothing.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. Are you denying what you just
said? We could have you tried for
perjury, you know!
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Enough of this idle
chatter! If you aren’t going to say
something useful, I’ll have the pelicans drop you into Lake
of the Clouds with all the loons!
MRS.
AQUARIUS. Well spoken, and not a moment
too soon.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Your Majesty, Kingfisher sir,
I can tell you at once why we have come here.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Please do so, then, before
things get out of hand. The last time we
had human guests, they dressed themselves up as birds to try to fool us. Absurd memory, that one! Then they wanted us to revenge ourselves on
some ridiculous band of narcissists whom they claimed were their gods. We did so out of boredom, except... The only good to come out of the ordeal was
this city, and it leaks, I’m afraid—shoddy materials, more for looks than
what’s practical. And it’s hard to get
reliable roofers to work the canopy, what with the depleting ozone and
all.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Well, you see, Kingfisher, I
have this nagging suspicion…that is…we were hoping for your assistance in a
little predicament.
FLOCK OF
BIRDS. His assistance!
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Yes. Well, all of your assistances, in assuring
our prayers reach Heaven as God intends.
FLOCK OF
BIRDS. Helping your prayers reach Heaven? Where in the Atmosphere is that? And why haven’t these items you speak of
gotten through? Perhaps it’s the postal
service you should be bothering, and not us birds.
MRS.
AQUARIUS. Surely you believe in
God? No?
Well then! Allow us to introduce
you to this wonderful book…I just happen to have one in my possession…here,
take it as a gift…the least we could do is founder a mission right here in your
capital city and expose you to the miracles of Christianity!
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Certainly, we must! We’ll send for our missionaries right away!
FLOCK OF BIRDS carelessly rips The Bible to shreds with
their beaks, being clueless as to what to do with a book.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Hold that thought! You see…we’ve sort of…transcended your belief
systems. No offense, but you don’t even
have wings!
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. (Smirking) I take it your god has wings?
PARROT. Rot!
Of course it has wings! —and a beak, and a tail, and he excretes an
eternal blue flame…but that’s just gross… I shouldn’t have mentioned that last
part…
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. (Piously) No one may know the true nature of God!
BELTED
KINGFISHER. If there’s one above this
place, he definitely has wings.
DAGNY. Why does everyone always assume that God is a
man? I mean, really, when was the last
time a man could do anything without a woman instructing him to do so?
MRS.
AQUARIUS. Amen to that, sister! Oh, I mean…that is…
MRS. AQUARIUS, appearing very frightened, severs a branch
from a nearby tree and begins castigating herself with it.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. Are you denying that you’re blocking
prayers from reaching Heaven?
BELTED
KINGFISHER. We neither deny nor
agree. Prayers? Heaven?
This is just ridiculous! What is
wrong with you people?!
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. As a senator of the United State
DAGNY. Yes, hand over the prayers! I don’t think I could survive another
recession!!
BELTED
KINGFISHER. You’re hardly in a position
to be making demands. We have you
outnumbered and out-beaked! For sky’s
sake, your place is on the ground where you can mingle with the other shadows
of your narrow, wingless existence.
You’re destroying the ozone! You
come to us with demands; want us to fix your problems? This isn’t a sanctuary or a park where you
can gawk at us through binoculars like a bunch of voyeuristic perverts! Everywhere, eyes, like a bunch of
insects. Why are humans so paranoid? You people really have issues!
LELAND. Oh, and you don’t? You’d be homeless if it wasn’t for us! Oh, and those bird feeders you all love so
much—they’re really hawk feeders!!
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Once again, I’m getting that feeling. Why do I feel like I’ve heard all of these
things before?
FLOCK OF
BIRDS. Because humans make no
sense! Let’s peck their eyes out!
BELTED
KINGFISHER. No, it’s not that. I’ve definitely…
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. If it’s true that you aren’t
blocking prayers, perhaps you could find it in your hearts to point us in the
heavenly direction.
CORNELIUS. I
second that! Heaven is definitely where
we should go. If they can live in
supreme happiness without material possessions, those of us from Wall Street
might stand to gain something.
HILLARY
WILLIAMS, ULYSSES ABRAHAM, RICHARD GEORGE X, FOUR SECURITY GUARDS, DAGNY, LELAND,
THOMAS AQUARIUS, and MRS. AQUARIUS blush from embarrassment.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Cornelius, you would make
blush the whores of Babylon .
Enter PHERENIKE the bird-woman,
from above.
PHERENIKE.
Did you say you wish to enter Heaven?
Maybe I can help. You see, I’m an
angel…
FLOCK OF BIRDS performs the insane gesture, each standing
with an outstretched wing circling their heads where an ear would be.
THE NUTHATCHES.
(Still snug in their birdhouse). Some
of us really do live up to our reputations!
THE NUTHATCHES loudly shut their windows and doors.
CORNELIUS. Who’s this lovely creature?
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Something we inherited from
the Greeks. She’s been driven to
insanity by licentious old men. Don’t
take her too seriously.
CORNELIUS. I take everything seriously, especially
pretty gems like this one!
PHERENIKE dances over to CORNELIUS and
captivates him with her grace and beauty.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. Is that Pherenike,
descendant of beautiful Basileia and leathery old Pisthetaerus? She vanished during the Victorian Age after a
scandal! Raped by an elderly Turk, I
believe. Then an English lord. Then a disgruntled tribe of Zulu. And finally by some Greek fishermen while
floating home on a log. Hmmm…You know,
she should be a hundred-and-sixty years old!
How is it that she still lives?
She’s young and beautiful!
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Time is slow up here. We’re not affected by gravity in the same way
as you landed beasts.
DAGNY. Wait… So you’re saying that this place offers
us longevity?
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Mere seconds of it. But Pherenike is a special case. She’s from here, you know. This very metropolis. Her mother mated with a nightingale. Nasty business, that. So we didn’t protest when she went against
her mother’s wishes and traveled landward.
If only you humans had been kinder to her.
LELAND. A bird-woman?
My brothers at Omicron Upsilon Psi would go nuts over a real
bird-woman! Does she tour the
backcountry at all? O ups!!
DAGNY glares at LELAND and folds her arms.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. This is just madness. I mean,
what did we expect, traveling to Cloud-cuckoo-metropolis? We’ll never find what we’re looking for here.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. One never finds what one’s
looking for; it finds you first, or not at all.
MRS.
AQAURIUS. Well said, Mister Aquarius.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Thank you, Missus Aquarius.
CORNELIUS. Now that Plan A has failed, how about finding
that stairway to Heaven? This lovely
angel says she can help us!
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. It’s no use. We’ll never reach Heaven. Better to turn back now, before the FDA gets
wind of this place.
PHERENIKE. I can show you the way! Come with me!
CORNELIUS is under PHERENIKE’s spell and follows her covetously, his eyes
sparkling with greed.
CORNELIUS. Well I for one intend to search this
wonderland until I’ve made a profit! No
one gets the best of old Cornelius!
DAGNY. (Pulling
out a wad of cash) I think these
birds are alright, and my philosophy is to join what I can’t beat! What fun!
I may linger here awhile, visit the sights. What do you say, Leland? Want to make a holiday nest here?
LELAND swoons and runs into DAGNY’s arms.
LELAND. I thought you’d never ask!
Enter BAND OF PEONS, closely followed by VULTURES.
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. Now, where do you suppose they
came from?
BELTED
KINGFISHER. More unwelcome
visitors. And they’ve brought
vultures! Whatever is going on?! They were supposed to have met us at the
rendezvous point! Those toxic birds
which guard the city from up high must have fallen asleep on the job!
BASILEIA. Key events always happen in threes. Ha ha ha! Pocket full of posies! One, two… Come!
BASILEIA lures CORNELIUS off stage.
FLOCK OF BIRDS.
(sing) We wouldn’t know where to
begin,
So long
in the sun,
It’s a peep-dang-sin.
But we’re
getting the hang of it.
We
learned how to aim when we shit.
BAND OF
PEONS: (Sing) You might think there’s little sense eating worms and berries
but the birds on Wall Street eat corpses.
They work like Santa on Christmas but they’re not elves or ferries (well
most of them). Crows sometimes eat
butterflies, but on Wall Street they eat the maggots from your eyes so you can
see their true intentions. They intend
on getting rich! They get rich! You get
poor! They get rich!
VULTURES. What’s wrong with that? Someone’s gotta do it!
BAND OF PEONS:
There ain’t no Farsi on Wall Street!
VULTURES. Well, that’s true.
BAND OF PEONS. Get lost before we cut off your feet!
VULTURES scatter in all directions, but remain on
stage.
BAND OF
PEONS. (Sing) You might think there’s little sense eating worms and berries
but the birds on Wall Street eat corpses.
They work like Santa on Christmas but they’re not elves or ferries.
FLOCK OF BIRDS.
Well most of them.
BAND OF PEONS.
(Sing) Tanagers smash into windows,
and break their pretty necks, but on Wall Street the disheartened jump to their
ugly deaths. The portholes are all open
on Wall Street! They intend on getting
rich! They get rich! You get poor! They get rich! In life, there are no guarantees! You can’t expect to get by on no---thing!
VULTURES chase BAND OF PEONS frightfully off stage; the band drops instruments, runs screaming and exits.
BELTED
KINGFISHER. Aristophanes would have done much better.
FLOCK OF
BIRDS: Aristophanes was bald! Not a feather on him! But we loved his comedies. Especially The Babylonians, in which
the peons were slaves grinding at the mill.
Oh, but you’ve probably forgotten that one…
MRS.
AQUARIUS. I just remembered that the
plants need watering. And the cat is
probably ogling over the fishes in the pond.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Well, dear, I suppose there’s
no point in staying. The flock is
waiting patiently for our return.
MRS. AQUARIUS.
(Happily) As you wish, dear.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. What about you, Mr. President,
Senators? I’m sorry that it has come to
this. I had hoped for a resolution to
the crisis.
ULYSSES
ABRAHAM. Four score and seven years from
now we will probably look back in regret.
But prayers do not constitute the man.
We must gather strength from each other and not worry so much about the
answers. Internally: that is where the important conflicts
conjure.
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Well said, Senator. Although
we are often left answerless, we should know that we are among friends.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. That’s easy for you to say. But what am I to tell the people?! They’ll tear me to shreds!
HILLARY
WILLIAMS. You could always lie to them
again.
RICHARD GEORGE
X. But what? What lie am I to tell them? All deception has been exhausted. I’m at the end of my rope!
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Don’t lose hope. Truth always offers sanctuary. A cage of lies, on the other hand…
well…
FOUR SECURITY
GUARDS. We’re trapped! We’ll have to shoot our way out!
An explosion; Lightning flashes from Stage
Left. A rumble sounds from back stage.
The canopy opens up and the buildings and houses split. Balls of lightning are dropped from the sky.
Enter FALCONS, who begin attacking everyone.
Even the audience is unsafe.
FLOCK OF
BIRDS. Humans, indeed, a foul omen! Now the city is under attack!
THOMAS
AQUARIUS. Pray that we’ve been forgiven!
RICHARD GEORGE
X. We’re doomed!
FLOCK OF
BIRDS. And they say the insanity is down
there on Wall Street!
CURTAIN
